Blood, Love And Chocolate. (A Twisted Love story.)

Many times in his still reasonably young life, Henry P Higglebum has tried to embrace the most wretched of holidays on the human calendar, the one day that made womankind glow to the point of erupting into a super nova. V Day for women, D-Day for men, Henry thought. Why couldn’t he get it right? Why didn’t he get it period? His Girlfriend Imogene got it. His mother got it. His sister got it too. Hell, even his cat Freckles seemed to get it. But Henry? Nooo not Henry P Higglebum, see poor Henry was afflicted with the disease that every man who had the unfortunate fate of being just like him suffered from, you see Henry not only had the man disease called Dumbassitis, but in Henry’s case it was terminal. He had it ten years ago when he had first seen his lady love Imogene, and every year since, the disease seemed to intensify. Last year it struck just two hours before Valentine's Day, all of Imogene’s plots to aid in the blessing of receiving the perfect gift from Henry went completely unnoticed, the Dumbassitis had all but taken complete control of poor poor Henry. In fact, he didn’t even realize that the dreaded Valentine's Day was even upon him until it was far too late. Completely oblivious to the dire fate that once again awaited him, Henry wandered aimlessly through the isles of Walmart, his mind drawing a total blank until finally the veil of darkness had lifted, leaving him in a fit of utter panic.

He began to hurry up one aisle and down the next, a cold sweat oozed from his pores, one hour passed, then two, then three. Until he had arrived at the point where he could no longer stand the pressure and decided to buy Imogene, the first thing that he’d thought of. It was not only ‘the perfect Valentine's Day gift’ it HAD to be the perfect gift. Then half dead flowers from the local Quickie Mart, followed closely by a box of semi stale Chocolates. Followed even more closely by a heartfelt “Happy Valentine's Day Honey!!” and the very next day having to face the utter humiliation of having to explain to all of his friend just exactly how he got a powder blue and hot pink weed whacker stuck up his hind parts and why he needed help to pull it out. That however was last year and this was this year. THIS year Henry P Higglebum was a man on a mission, THIS year he had been doing his homework. This year he had made reservations at that swanky new French restaurant Ma Cherie, he had gone shopping and found a perfect pair of diamond earrings, he had even arranged for a bouquet of long stemmed roses wrapped in delicate paper to be delivered to their table during dinner.

The fateful night had arrived and Henry, adorned in a new suit and tie, wearing just the slightest splash of Aqua Velva, showed up at Imogene’s door with a box of Chocolates. Holding out his arm, he led his beloved Imogene to his pickup truck and drove them to the restaurant where they would share a perfect Valentine's Day romantic candlelit dinner. This was however still Henry P Higglebum, and perfect was not yet a word that seemed to fit him in the least. After they had been seated, the kid that was delivering the flowers almost took them to the wrong table, causing an agitated Henry to snatch them from his hand, which he brushed a little too close to one of the lit candles from the candle lit dinner, causing the paper that was wrapped around the bottom of the flowers to ignite into flames, causing Henry to panic and knock over the other candle which ignited the white linen table cloth catching it on fire which immediately caught the attention of not one, but two slightly overzealous waiters who each threw an entire pitcher of water on the flames which completely ruined the dinner, which caused a completely stunned and humiliated and more than slightly pissed off Imogene to storm from the restaurant leaving behind a fumbling Henry P Higglebum who was frantically searching in his pockets for the diamond earrings in hopes of salvaging yet another horrible Valentine's Day only to finally realize that he’d left them in his other coat at home. Causing Henry to go to a bar alone, which caused him to get blind stinking drunk, which caused him to realize that maybe he should have bought her another weed whacker instead, and Maybe, just maybe this time he would have gotten REALLY lucky, and Imogene would have killed him with it.

~Scratch A.B.T Copyright © 2009~