Tuesday, October 7, 2014

The boy ain't right. (What people really say and think about you when you aren't around)

The boy ain’t right I tell ya’s! I mean in the head, but to be perfectly clear he ain’t right in any of the other ways either. There’s something just not right with him, Allow me to explain, You ask him a simple question and he goes into some crazy long winded rant that has absolutely nothing to do with what you’ve asked him.. He stands and just stares off into space, for what? seconds? minutes? hours on end?  For what? just to see if he can make you stop and look up into the sky to see if you can see what he’s fucking staring at..  And when you see him standing there, you stop and look up, and what does he do? he sneeks off while you’re not paying attention, leaving YOU standing there looking like a loon, staring up at the sky-  AT NOTHING!!  And you know he has selective hearing, Right? You tell him to do one thing, and he does the opposite, you tell him to go left- he goes right, you tell him to look up- he looks down.  And argumentative?  You bet he is! it is said that the boy could start an argument in an empty elevator!

He’s pig headed,
Foul mouthed,
Aloof to the point of rudeness,
and he dresses funny.

There are a lot of people, and I do mean A LOT of people, who have running theories as to why he is the way he is, I mean HOW does a person get that screwed up?  you see- I have my own theory. You see I think that there was this little purple alien who visited planet earth back in the 1950’s from a galaxy far, far away, from the planet Whatzittoya, and he landed here and got to looking out the window of his flying saucer at all of the pretty scenery, and he decides to get out of his saucer to stretch his legs a bit. So there in the middle of the woods, he see’s one of the local natives out for a stroll who happens to be a female. So he’s thinking about his little purple wife and kids back at the ol homestead on Whatzittoya, and he decides that they'll never know, So he decides that he’s going have a fling with Mrs. Strangelove, who ends up impregnated with the little purple monsters  demon child, He skips town back to Whatzittoya to avoid the bad press, nine months later she gives birth to the bane of humanity, who grows up to fulfill his one true purpose in life, to be a huge Pain in EVERYONE'S ASS!!

Hmmmmm, quite the analytical little diatribe don’t ya think? well it does make you wonder what people REALLY think and say about you when you’re not around.. So dear reader or readers (Assuming that anyone is still reading this insanity) changing the HE, to a SHE or an IT, Do you think that anyone has ever said or thought or wondered about any part of the above text about you?  Yeah.. Me neither. Its been a really long day and I need a beer.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

The inner workings of an obsessed mind.. (Age nine..)

Back in the late 60’s when I first started watching old horror movies was probably when I was first exposed at a very young age to the show Creature Features. Every Friday night, without fail the scene would play out pretty much the same way as it did on the previous Friday night. Mom would be in her bedroom putting on make up, getting ready to go out with her friends, my older sister would be in her room yakking with one of her friends, and there I’d be sitting on the front porch wondering which horrifying  monster Creature Features was going to be serving up to me that night. Finally as Mom was getting  ready to leave she would tell my sister the same thing as before.

“Keep an eye on your little brother, and make sure he doesn’t stay up to watch those god awful horror movies again!”

Of course that never worked because she would always coax my silence with fresh popcorn whenever she would secretly invite one of her friends over after our mother would tell her not to. So long about 7:00 PM, Midge would arrive and they would immediately go to my sisters room, with little care as to what I was doing mind you, and long about 8:20 or so they would come out and make hot buttered popcorn for my scare-a-thon before returning to the bedroom. I didn’t know what they were doing in there, hell I didn’t care either..  All I knew was soon, very soon,  I would be completely immersed in  the disturbing world of my beloved Creature Features.

The lights would go off, the TV would come on and long about 6:00 PM that music.. That wonderfully creepy music would permeate my senses..  and then- the title.. “The completely horrifying monster thingy that dripped blood and ate people!” Dun Dun DUUUUNNNNNN!!! ohhhhhh my.. A CLASSIC IN THE MAKING!! I don’t know what it was exactly, maybe it was due to the fact that I was only nine years old, but everything- especially the monster movies seemed a lot scarier then.  The opening scene would always set you up, the black & white film would crackle to life..  An old car would slowly roll to a stop on a deserted dirt road leading into a heavily wooded area. The young attractive couple would seductively smile at each other, he would turn of the headlights as they leaned into each other for that first yucky germ spreading kiss. (Hey! Back off! I was NINE! OK??)

Slowly the camera would pan through the front wind shield,  across the hood of the car, and there, just at the edge of the treeline something would stir. Eyes widening, that first delicious mouthful of semi burnt popcorn,  (that your idiot sister never learned how to properly make..)  Eyes straining, leaning forward, almost holding your breath. then you see the foilage along the trees rustling..  Ohhhhh.. its moving toward the drivers side of the car.. That means its gonna eat the guy first! ohh she’s gonna see the whole thing and she’s gonna scream at the top of her lungs..  and then.. its going to drag her off into the woods where it swallows her whole and then spits out her bones!!  SWEET!    and of course your bravery is short lived as you see it  for the first time. Its Bipedal,  it has twelve eyes, its hairy, has six long gnarly disgusting claw like digits- which of course are also hairy.. Over all it has a serious hygiene problem and is the most horrifying thing you’ve ever seen.

The orchestra kicks into overdrive as it rips the cardoor open, and brutally murders the dumbfounded young man in the drivers seat in the most brutally efficient, disgusting manner, that the human imaginations of the period were allowed to film at the time. and of course it would scare the living shit out of you, and popcorn would spew from your mouth and bowl and would fill the air, and thats how your mother would find you two hours later when she would return home from her date night. Huddled under a pile of blankets, behind the sofa,11:00 o’clock news playing on the television,  popcorn right where it was supposed to be.. all over the floor, all because you were convinced that YOU were next!  Lordy I loved that show!!

Monday, September 29, 2014

From Boober To Brian (Johnson)

It was a typical Monday at work. I took all of my worn out work shirts in intending to turn thenm in for new ones early on, but I didn't make it to the office until 2:00 PM. I walked in andthe lady behind the desk was listening to- of all people, Justin Friggin Boober! Luckily I got out of there before the earworm set in. but now, in addition to needing to have my ears boiled and my brain scraped, I think I need to hear some REAL music. so- as a wise man once said, Play something with Balls Elvis!

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Re-opening doors!

I suppose I should start updating this blog again, seems about right, after all it IS the representation of my very first blog on Blogstream.com from 2005. I have been hanging out on Blogster for the past two or three years under the new name of Rantshack and no, don't ask its a long long story. anyhow all that being said I think its time to take back my original name, to dust off  the ol tomb and hang the: "Open for Monkey Bidness"  Sign in the front window.  So the Scratchman is back in the house! wait.. I guess I should've asked from the very start- Does ANYBODY still READ this Thing?? Ahh well, no matter, I can always talk to myself.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Crash Callahan and the Great Zombie Apocalypse. Book two.. For What its Worth

Tuesday February 5th, 9:37 AM.

She was kinda hot, you know- for a dead chick. A slobbering- drooling dead chick that was running her dead little ass off. I knew that I was safe for the moment,  being locked inside of a moving vehicle with the windows rolled up, and so my morbid curiosity was beginning to get the better of me, and now- seeing as how she was all alone, I just had to see for myself where exactly she was running off to. That’s when I spotted the short pudgy fat guy  running HIS ass off right down the middle of Fordham road- Peckham County,  just twenty yards ahead of her. Sure he had twenty yards on her at least, but she was gaining on him fast. you know- sometimes when you see that a situation is dire, maybe not for you per se, but you can tell by watching events unfold that someone is about to have a really fucked up day. The fat guy- yeah,  his morning was definitely heading downhill fast.

So I pull the truck in behind her about 150 feet back, and I know that she must be really hungry because she doesn’t even break stride to look back at me.  So I carefully assess fatty’s situation and it has become readily apparent that I’m his only shot at survival at the moment. I give the truck a little more gas  as I reach for the Glock nine on the passenger seat.  I pull up beside of her about fifteen feet away  as I roll down the window and train the Glock on her head.
“Hey baby.. Sup?”
She turns toward me and all it takes is one shot in the head to drop her like a stone. Meanwhile the big guy- yeah, him,  he’s turned onto Valley Creek road and he’s running towards an open field but still in the middle of the road.

I pull up beside of him and he’s wheezing really heavy,  covered in sweat, his face is red as a beet. I leave the window rolled down he doesn’t even look at me. the poor bastard looks like he’s ready to drop.
He doesn’t break stride to look over at me, I think something akin to shock has set in.
“She isn’t chasing you anymore man, I put her down about a half a mile back.”
I slow down the truck as he slowly staggers to an eventual stop. he collapses against my left front fender trying to catch his breath. I study him for several minutes trying to determine whether or not he’s been infected.
“Have you been bitten?”
He looks up at me shaking his head no.
Again no.
“You got a name?”

Still half out of breath he tells me that his name is Louis Taft and that the woman that was chasing after him, the woman that wanted so desperately to eat his brain- the one that I shot in the head.. The zombie that had once been a fully functional human being-  was his daughter. Sometimes- you can say I’m sorry a million times, and no matter how many times you can hear those words coming out of your own mouth, it never seems to be enough. Louis Taft is broken now, much like the rest of the world, or what’s left of it. I still can’t be certain or not whether he’s been bitten, So I tell him to climb in the back of the truck and I throw him a box of Granola bars and a few Terryaki sticks in case he’s hungry. It’ll have to do for now. I turn the truck down Valley Creek road and head for State route 6. there’s a small little gas station/ general store not too far from there, we were going to be needing supplies soon.

In a different Light

The General store for the most part was a pretty good haul, the electric is still working, the gas pumps are still operational so I refill all of the tanks in the truck and filled a couple of cans that we found in the garage part of the building.  While everything is clear we go into the store and  scrounge up a box of canned goods and some crackers and canned juice,  it was obvious that someone had all but cleaned out whatever they could carry, we load the rest into the back of the truck and head for the county line. We cross over into Crooke County at about 5:15 PM, it feels strange not seeing a lot of cars going down one of the most traveled roads in Cooke County, on State Route 6 we pass a few here and there that had went off the road for whatever reason, but mostly it just feels like Louis and me are the only two people left in the world now. six Miles from Vicksburgh we find out different.

There’s a little country store with one Jeep CJ in the parking lot, I slow the truck to a stop when we see the ten lumbering figures trying to claw their way into the store. inside the front window there’s  a young girl- probably a teenager and what I’m guessing is her little brother trapped by the drooling mob. I pull the S&W Auto Shotgun from behind the seat in the king cab and open the door the first two see me and start running toward the truck.  I tell Louis that I’ll distract them while he gets the kids out of the store and brings them back to the truck. He nods and jumps down behind me. I splatter the first two all over the road but the rest knows that we are there then.  I grab another clip for the S&W and draw them away from the store there are only six of them left, six snarling –drooling bugs, I had more than enough rounds to take care of the problem.  I cut the last one down as Louis is pulling the kids from the store. One more straggler comes running around the corner as they’re headed for the truck.

I take him out with  a shot from the Glock Nine. The kids make it the the back of the truck just as the next wave of bugs comes running out from the behind the store, I fire whatever I have left in the the auto shotgun into the snarling crowd Louis is still about 75 feet from the truck when he stops in the middle of the street, he looks at me and yells at me to run, he picks up a club from the side of the road,  for a split second I freeze as I see him running into the crowd of zombies swinging the club violently. they stop their advance and now all of their attention is on Louis Taft, they swarm over him like an army of angry ants. I jump into the cab of the truck and slam it into gear and head in the opposite direction. The two kids in the back hang on for dear life, and as I look into the rear view mirror I can’t see him anymore, they have fed. I pause if only for the briefest of moments in my mind to give thanks to someone that I barely knew but sacrificed himself so that I could escape. Louis Taft- is a broken man now.. or at least he was.. Now? he’s one of them.  

Scratch/A.B.T. Copyright ©  2014 

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Welcome to Strange.. Population Zero.. Or_ How I survived the Zombie Apocalypse.


Sometimes you know- you hear about really bad shit before it actually happens to you on the TV.  Like take for instance this whole situation that the world currently finds itself in- they’re calling it the real zombie apocalypse. some nit wit lab tech got infected by some stupid virus that some bio chemist had been working on for some fucked up government agency. He got out- went bonkers and bit somebody and infected them and it just kept spreading from there. Sure, Sure, it was a bit more complicated than that but that was the gist of it.

Next thing you know its all over the news, in every major city, riots, mass hysteria, people getting infected by the thousands. End of the line- Zombie apocalypse, front and center, live and in technicolor. Hell, even though I saw a lot of it on TV before everything went off the air I still either found myself not believing it or not caring about it. that is until it came to my neighborhood, I lived in Pleasant city on Primrose street. See- the first one I actually saw was what was looking a lot like my neighbor down the street, Fred Boxner. kinda tall, skinny, lanky, whatever, he always did walk a bit slow, never noticed the blood on his shirt or the drool dripping down his chin, he still had that same vacant look in his eyes that he always did though.

I remember it was just before breakfast on a Monday morning, the sun was out and there was a little chill in the air as I stepped out onto the porch. I sat my coffee cup down and watched ol Fred drag his sorry undead ass up the empty street, and then it struck me- I never liked that prick much anyways. Fred was the type to always have an angle on everything, the rotten bastard never ever bought his own shit, if you had something that he could use he would borrow it by hook or by crook and you would more than likely never see it again, and now that I was thinking about it- that prick still had my weed whacker and lawn mower that he’d borrowed from me over six weeks ago.

So here he came, lumbering down the street, and that’s about when I had my first epiphany.  If this really was the end if the line for the whole damn human race, and there really wasn’t anymore law and order to be had, I suppose that left me with the only option that I had left,  if ol Fred really was now a full fledged zombie I guess that left me with little choice in the matter but to go into survival mode. See- the problem most people have always had with me was what many of my neighbors considered an unhealthy appetite for automatic weapons. and I own a LOT of automatic weapons.  so I walk back into the house not panicking at all, I go into my special room and retrieve The S&W automatic 12 gauge shotgun and load a fresh clip into it before returning to the street to greet ol Fred.

So he’s still about halfway down the block when he first sees me, I can tell right away by looking into his beady little undead eyes that he was getting excited at the prospect of having a brain sandwich at my expense. So I step down onto the side walk and call out to him.                                                                                                                 
“Hey Fred? unless you’re coming down here to return my weed whacker and lawn mower you might want to take your scrawny- ugly slobbering undead ass in a different direction! this isn’t going to end well for you ol buddy”

“Gaaaaaaaaahhh... unnnngh.. Raaaaaawr!”

“Think it through Fred, you don’t want none of this.”

“Arrrrrrrgh... gnaaaaaaagh!”

“C’mon Fred... You know I have issues.”

So, ol Fred, yeah, he never was  the sharpest knife in the drawer. So I raise the barrel of the S&W And the first round the I fire off takes off his left leg. He drops to the ground still making those nasty gurgling noises. But I can tell the pain isn’t registering, he’s way too far gone. So I calmly walk up to him and take off his head with the very next shot. I look around and don’t see anybody else, and I also decide that I’m not waiting around either, so I go home and pack up the blazer with supplies and enough guns, and ammo along with a few other weapons that I had lying around & whatever food I had to last me awhile. I had a reserve gas tank installed on it awhile back in case of emergencies, the primary and the reserve were both full.

So I get it packed up and decide to head out for the country,  strange I don’t recall seeing much of anybody on the way out of town, I guess they were just faster then me to see the urgency of the situation and high tailed it out of there before the zombie horde arrived. so with an uncertain future ahead of me and one dead ex neighbor behind me, I head for the sunset.  My name is Jacob P. Callahan and this is my new life now here in the zombie apocalypse.. things are gonna get strange I suppose, even stranger than ever before, my name is Jacob- but you can call me Crash.

Scratch. Copyright© 2014