Attention:Walmart Shoppers!

I would usually hear the voices whenever I was in the throes of impulse shopping whilst in one of those super Walmart's or in any one of the local grocery stores. Oh sure, I always made a list. But c’mon, nobody ever sticks to those things. I would write shit like, “ok. I need toilet paper, paper towels, shaving cream, uhmmmm. Razors and a rotisserie chicken for dinner. Sure, that’s what was SUPPOSED to happen, but of course it never did. Once inside the door, those damn voice’s would take over. “Ok now. I’m just here to buy a new pair of Jeans and some sweat socks!” yeah, right, sweat socks. Try as I may, I could never truly totally avoid the food aisles. The P.A. speakers would crackle to life with something like. “Attention Walmart Shoppers. Green Beans on sale now in the produce section. 3 lbs for a dollar.”

Of course what they said over the P.A. and what I actually heard were two totally different things, I would hear something totally different like: “Attention Walmart Shoppers! Come to the food section. We have Chocolate. We have Peanut butter covered in Chocolate. We have Peanut butter thingy’s covered in chocolate with coconut sprinkles! We have Dove Ice cream bars! (Also covered in not just chocolate, but Triple thick chocolate.!) Come one! Come all! To the super-duper Walmart mega Chocolate Sale! While supplies last!”

yeah, yeah, yeah. They knew they had me at ‘Attention Walmart shoppers.’ I always tried to fight them, you know?, but the damn voices, they wouldn’t leave me be. “I’m not going over there! Dammit! I’m not gonna do it! Damn you all to hell! .” so I would push my cart (Slowly) in the opposite direction. “Gee. I wonder what new DVDs they have on sale this week?” that was about the time when the voices would take over.

“HEEEEY! Where ya goin dumb ass? The Chocolate is over there! That Way! Yeah, over there!”

I tried desperately to ignore them, but to no avail.

Almost involuntarily, my cart would slowly change directions even as I tried to deny the impulse to go take a look, “Over There.”

“Jeans… Uhh. Shaving cream… Sweat socks uhh. Didn’t they say something about fresh green beans? Oh, I love fresh green beans. Maybe I should just swing by the produce section for a quick peek.”

Oh, sure. I really did want to go check out the green beans, but always seemed to enter the grocery section of the Walmart super center right at the freezers. Right where they kept the triple thick chocolate covered Dove Ice cream bars along with a colorful array of other sugar-coated delights that are intended to make you sit in one place and vibrate for an hour or so, immediately after consumption.

I always made it to the register, but the many detours along the way to what I really came to the store to buy were costly. “Lets see here. I have a pair of blue jeans. (Three boxes of triple thick chocolate covered Dove ice cream bars.) I have four pairs of sweat socks. (Two bags of Reese’s pieces.) and some after shave lotion and shaving cream. (Four bags of bite sized Kit Kat Bars. With a two liter bottle of Hershey’s syrup for dipping.) ok, ok, so I may be slightly exaggerating here, and maybe my sugar addiction wasn’t quite that severe. But at any rate I am slowly showing signs of over all improvement, I don’t sit and vibrate anymore, and when I get up out of my chair I don’t bounce my head off of the ceiling anymore.

The nervous twitches have somewhat subsided. So its under control, but I fear however that an entirely new problem may exist, to take my mind off of my sugar problem I have begun eating these strange little cracker things that one of my friend’s gave me, and the other night I was laying on the sofa watching television, and a strange impulse took control over me. I tried to lift my right leg over my head to scratch behind my ears with my toes, and fell off of the couch, dead on my ass. I think the little bastard may have slipped me some dog biscuits. If this keeps up, I may go have to go back to Dove bars.

~Scratch~