Saturday, August 10, 2013

My Encounter with Toby the Troll

I made the mistake of leaving the fan running in the front window of my living room last night, hey it happens- I’d fallen asleep and forgotten to take it out and close the window. Its my own fault, I knew it was going to get chilly, I just fell asleep. I woke this morning to the plugged sinuses that as of late; have become the bane of my existence,  but I think they were due more to the fan kicking up the dust mites in my apartment more so than it being a sign of coming illness. strangely enough though- it wasn’t the sinuses that woke me up, there was an ungodly commotion right outside my window, so I rose to investigate. and now I’m kind of sorry that I did. I stepped out onto the front landing and walked over to the railing  and leaned over the edge to see what the commotion was all about. directly below me; hiding behind some shrubery there was a short stumpy little fellow shouting out profanities at people walking down the sidewalk.
“What’s all of this nonsense about then?” I yelled down at him.
When the coast was clear he stood up and defiantly put his hands on his hips and looked up at me.
“Go back inside bub, this doesn’t concern you.” He taunted.
“No douchebag, you’re yelling outside my window at 6:00 AM on my day off when I’m trying to rest, so it does kind of concern me, maybe I should come down there and we could have this conversation face to face.” I retorted
Right then and there his whole demeanor changed.
“Look mister I’m just trying to do my job, I’m Toby the Troll and this is what I do!”
“You’re a Troll?”
He nodded.
“I thought you guys all moved to the internet years ago.”
“We did, but I lost my internet connection last night so I had to improvise.”

Out of the corner of my eye I saw an elderly looking gentleman walking his dog down the sidewalk,  Toby immediately jumped back behind the bushes and began throwing out insults, barbs and taunts.
“Democrats are Pussies! Democrats are Pussies! Republican’s are all retarded conservatives who couldn’t even get laid at a hookers Convention! Independants all have little winkies!” 
By this time my neighbor became aware of the commotion and was now standing right next to me leaning over the railing; curiously looking down at Toby. he looked at me and then back down at Toby.
“What are you doing down there hiding in the bushes you little jerk! don’t you know how early it is?” He asked.
Toby looked up at my neighbor Louie.
“I don’t have a computer right now so I’m hiding behind this bush to preserve my anonymity! Brown people Suck!!”
“You little prick I’m gonna come down there and kick your little ass!”
I decided to step in right there and defuse Louies anger..
“Why don’t just go inside and get some coffee and let me handle this little troll.. Okay?”
Still angry as all hell, my neighbor turned to go back inside his apartment to make his morning coffee as I returned my attention to the little troll down in the bushes.
“Anonymity aye?”
“Yeah its kinda important to us trolls that nobody knows who we really are, that’s why we dig the internet so much!”

“Well Toby I want you to listen to me very carefully, THIS isn’t the internet, I CAN see you. Do you get my drift? I told him,
“I don’t understand.. I’m hiding in the bushes! you can’t see me!”
“Hmmm.. Toby?
“Did you ever go to high school?”
“And do you know what an atomic wedgie is?”
“I don’t believe so.”
“Well that’s where someone comes up from behind you, and grabs the waistband of your underwear  and yanks them so far up the crack of your ass that your testicles feel like a lump in your throat. now if you don’t shut up and go home Guess what I’m going to come down there and do to you?”

Silence. I turned to go back to my apartment just in time to see my neighbor Louie step back onto the landing..
“Hey where did that asshole Toby go?” He asked.
“Back to the internet.”

What a strange morning this has been.


  1. Just give him a wedgie anyway, and a swirly too.

  2. Oh dear GAWD! If they lose their internets they may come back to real life? Somebody save me.

  3. Scratch!
    That was good!